English Humor stories

1.After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume？”he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
“That's a bit much,”said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
“That's still quite a bit,”Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
“What I mean,”said Tim, “is I'd like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror.


2. Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

3． Taken for Granted

THE SCHOOL HEALTH formS had been distributed to the students with an error---the word "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown."

4.Logic Reasoning

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can'tm, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his
savings?"

5.But the teacher cried

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"
"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"

6. I Drop my Weight From Skipping

Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds." When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you 'though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping! (note: "skip" has two meanings 1) jump 2) stop doing something)

7.Now We Run

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.    Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

8.Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!"    They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

9.Wit in Childhood

An elderly gentleman being, one evening, in the company of some persons
who were much amused at the witty sayings of a child , said to some one near him, that witty children usually made stupid men. The child heard him and said to him: "Sir, you were very witty, no doubt when you were young."

10. Who Should Be Given the Gift?

A father of five children came home with a toy,summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present,"Who is the most obedient,never talks back to Mother and does everything he or she is told?" he inquired. There was silence,and then a chorus of voices:"You play with it, Daddy!"